Whenever I'm bored at work, I can always count on Wikipedia to brighten my forecast for the rest of the day. I always learn something new: whether it be interesting or just pointless trivia, it's an educational experience none the less. Today is Valentine's Day, perhaps the most pointless holiday in existence in my opinion. I'm not one of those cynical people who dislike all the PDA (well, maybe I am), but is it too much to ask to be able to walk to your own car in a public parking lot and not have to feel like a voyeur? The parking is for cars...not for people! I just don't understand. Why is a special day needed to say "I love you... now here's a bunch of assorted flowers to aggravate your allergies, followed by a bunch of candies and chocolates that I don't want you to eat because you'll get fat and then I can't say that I love you superficially anymore." We should say that on a daily basis, well, except for possibly that last part about the flowers and the chocolates...there might be a sharp population delcine in the United States if that were to happen. Still, the idea of Valentine's Day baffles me. In desperate need of guidance and advice, I turned to Wikipedia and it's unbiased (ahem) encyclopedia entries for help. So, without further ado I present the first of the what I learned from Wikipedia edition posts.
Candy hearts of the 90's According to the academic powerhouse that is the almighty Wikipedia, Valentine's day was named after two (or possibly three) martyrs named Valentine. The fun begins right there. I think that it must be the Catholic church's way of apologizing to people who they needlessly kill by naming a day after them. So hey, if three people with the same name are killed, why not triple up and kill three birds (again) with one stone. Uh, sorry we ended your time here on earth needlessly, but hey, at least you will always be remembered by the Hallmark Corporation. The current estimate is that 1 billion Valentine's Day cards are sent around the world every year, making it the second most popular card sending holiday behind Christmas, thus tagging it a "Hallmark holiday". More interestingly, a recent trend which I was not aware of was calling Valentine's day "single's awareness day". That's depressing on so many levels that I won't bother to get into it. The first association between Valentine's day and romantic love was by our good friend and one of my personal favs of older British literature, Geoffrey Chaucer. Chaucer wrote in his Parlement of Foules:
For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese [chose] his make [mate].
Interesting, but as far as I'm concerned this makes the holiday nothing more than a day for a possible orgy for lots of horny birds. Perhaps more hilariously is the establishment of a so called "High Court of Love" in Paris on Valentine's Day, 1400. This court dealt with "love contracts, betrayals, and violence against women." Moreover, the judges of said court were chosen by women based upon their eloquence at reading poetry. First of all, exactly what is a love contract? Can you still get such a thing? Is a layaway plan a possibility? Second, the judges of said court were chosen by women? Based on poetry reading? It's interesting to see exactly how far judicial standards have increased (or decreased in some cases) in this day and age. And finally...women, choosing judges? Surely, you jest...(just kidding)! There then follows an interesting paragraph on Valentine's day in other cultures. In Japan, women actually distribute the candies to men. There is a reciprocal day in which men are supposed to distribute candies to women, but in a strange twist of translation, lingerie is often given instead of candy. How fitting.
 Candy hearts for the new millennium Now, this is all well and good, but who is responsible for the frilly doilies and annoying cutesy decorations and cupids and all that other stuff often associated with this holiday? Seriously, there is so much pink crap around that it looks like we are all stuck inside a cotton candy machine. That is the person I want to meet in a dark alley. Seriously, I'd like to take that guy (or girl) to the High Court of Love. I'd sentence him to death by a lethal injection of potpourri. Thankfully, things seem to be moving away from that one these days, but the focus has been shifted from the love and romance aspect of the holiday toward everyone's favorite word: commitment. No, just kidding: S-E-X. This is best exemplified in the evolution of the candy hearts. What was once "be mine", and "hug me", is now "Donkey Show" and "Grab your ankles". Let's face it, the new and improved candy hearts are like the fortune cookies that you've always wanted to get (see above). Still though, this gives the holiday more character. Imagine these things around a more traditional holiday like Christmas...church attendance might skyrocket if the parishioner's distributed wafers containing the words "cross me!" or "lets get biblical". |
I need to have some of those filthy candy hearts. I'm a direct kind of girl.